The Rest of the Story

3 Weeks

Today around 7:30 this morning I was feeling very weepy and I thought how strange I wonder why I am getting so misty all of a sudden and then I looked at the time and realized that it was 3 weeks to the minute of Bill’s passing. And so even when the mind does not know somehow the heart still know.. that knowing place that is beyond time and or space.



I have been wanting to find the “right” time to complete the story about the last few days of Bill’s life on the planet. Perhaps today 21 days from his passing is the right time?

And so back on Thursday Feb 3, 2011. Bill was not feeling as well as he had been the day before. Part of that was due to the snow/ice storm and the late delivery of pain medication. Days prior to this my brother John flew in from Florida to be of extra help and support and my goodness I am very grateful that he was able to be here. Bill’s pain medicine schedule was every four hours and so I was up around the clock for several days and so Uncle John was able to get up with the kids and have breakfast with the kids before school and I was able to have a few more hours of sleep.


Upon waking Thursday morning, Bill was a bit frustrated that he was still here (alive). For those of you who know Bill, he likes to be early for all of his appointments and apparently this pattern was holding true for his appointment with heaven as well. Knowing this was a frustration it was wonderful that Pastor Sara from our Church came to provide comfort and a special prayer, offering Bill’s soul to God for safe keeping. Very beautiful and then after she left, the Hospice Chaplain called and talked to Bill and that conversation inspired Bill to make a list of people to call and tell them that he loved them one more time. There was also a conversation around the fear of dying...according to the Hospice Chaplain, it turns out there are two kinds of fear. One is around the process of death and the other is what happens after one has passed. For Bill his main concern was around how to do it. Like what steps to take and how does one get to heaven. I had been reading to Bill from the book “Embraced by the Light” by Betty J. Eadie and I think that provided some insight. And yet...I think if we could have printed out mapquest directions that would have been better.



And so that afternoon Bill worked that task with the same fervor as any other task of his professional career. And as soon as he was complete with his phone calls, a hospice social worker decided to stop by and check on Bill. She decided after seeing Bill and the build up of fluid in his legs that he might be more comfortable at hospice where they could provide him with medicine to help release the fluid as well as provide him with a higher level of oxygen than what he could get from the home compressor unit. That sounded like a good idea to Bill and he gave her the thumbs up to call in the hospice nurse to get the paperwork and ambulette here to take him to hospice that evening. The nurse arrived around 5pm to begin paperwork and confirm that it was in Bill’s best interest to be moved to the Hospice of Dayton and by 9pm I was following him as he was being transported to a beautiful room that had more than enough oxygen for him to be comfortable. I stayed with him until around midnight and then returned home to be with the kids and Uncle John. For the first time in a long time the house was quiet because the oxygen compressor was not on. And so bittersweet the quiet of the home.



I was exhausted from the past full days and was able to rest until 5am. At that time my eyes popped open and I knew it was time to go visit Bill. I went to the kids bedroom doors and told them where I was going and invited them to come along. And My Goodness they both jumped out of bed like that and by 5:45 Friday we (Me, John, Bridget, and dog Coco) were visiting with Bill at hospice.

Bill was happy to see us and he looked better to me because of the additional oxygen support. He was feeling so good in fact that I was ordered out of the room to go find donuts so we could all have breakfast before I took the kids back to school. And so I left John, Bridget and coco the dog and I got donuts for all. I even teased Bill a bit because he had a donut with sprinkles that he seemed to enjoy very much! And just as quickly as we knew we needed to visit somehow we all new it was time to leave and get the kids back in time for school. As with everyday the kids left Bill exchanging hugs, kisses and I love you’s. We all talked about coming back after the school day was complete.



I took the kids home and gave them the option of going to school or going to sleep recognizing that it was such a big 24 hours. Son John stayed home for sleep and Bridget decided to go to school. I went back to bed for a few hours, took a shower and returned to hospice by 11 a.m. Oh my goodness what a SHOCK to walk into the room and see a completely changed man from just a few hours prior. God Bless Bill to keep his strength up for the kids to see him safe and sound and then… something happened after we left…because in just the few hours that morning… I could not believe the physical change in him. His breathing was much more labored that just a few hours before….it did not take me long to figure out that he was in need of much more medication now. With the additional medication he was able to relax more and breathe with more ease and I could tell when the breathing was becoming more athletic that Bill was not as comfortable and I was able to push the red call button and have a nurse give him additional medication. It was in the in between medication time when Bill was more awake and I could chat with him and he would give yes/no responses and sometimes a sentence or two however when the choice was between talking or breathing… breathing took priority…and so I got good at offering this? Or this? Or that? And was able to make sure Bill had everything he needed to be supported for this leg of his adventure.



Somewhere in the day the Hospice Doctor took me out of the room to check on me to see what the best strategy of care for Bill would be…at that time I was able to say that keeping his breathing smooth and easy and not athletic was my top priority even though I knew that it meant he would be in more of a rest or sleep state. Of course there is a moment where I had to acknowledge the selfish part that would like him more fully HERE however I knew those moments were not comfortable for him. And so once the Doctor understood that comfort was the top priority she was able to make sure I could call and ask for additional medication for Bill whenever I saw his breathing taking on more effort. She also asked how I was doing and if there was anything that she could do for me. This is when I took the time to explain that I just did not know… that I could cry so deeply… I compared it to … puking… you know after a day of throwing up… your belly is empty and all that is left is bile?...well that is how my heart felt when I cried.. not a lot..just when it came up…. I did not know that my heart space was so deep deep deep into my chest…and that one could actually cry from that I’m all empty place? Yup I did not know that such tears existed until that day. Phew…

I stayed with him until a hospice nurse told me I had to go home because it was not good for me to watch him breathe anymore and that I needed a break. She gave me the number at the desk to call as well as having me leave my number with her so she could call if any changes happened during the night.



Saturday

(April 16, 2011 I am attempting to complete the story… 3 weeks was not enough time)

I think I got to hospice at around 8:30 am to be with Bill for the day. And he looked about the same? And so I sat with him and watched his breathing and looked out at the frozen pond from his room watching the few ducks and many geese keep a small spot of the pond open for swimming. Such a lovely view. And then just a few moments before his scheduled pain medicine he became more alert and his breathing became more athletic. And so I pushed the red button and medicine came sooner. It was at this moment… when he looked at me as he was receiving his medication through what was know to us as the chemo port… anyway.. I could tell it was in his right eye were he could see me and I could tell he was wanting to tell me thank you for getting the medicine to him sooner…and so as the days before I leaned in to kiss him and tell him I loved him..but not too much because I did not want to interfere with the breathing…anyway I did not know then… but that was the last time… I knew he would “see” me. You know that connection when someone looks at you..and they see you and you see them… well that moment was that last I see you moment that I had with him. After that the medication kept him in a deeper state of rest. This was also the point when he would no longer request fluid or food. I was however still very diligent about making sure I covered his lips with this silly melon smelling and shaped shea butter lip balm. With all the breathing through his mouth I did not want his lips to be chapped as well… so I was always smearing that on him… silly I know and yet anything…anything so that he would not experience more pain. At the time I was grateful that Bill seemed to be in more comfort and that the breathing was more fluid. I also took time to get out of the room a bit on Saturday and walk the halls a bit. It was at that point that I started to feel the unfairness of it all. So many lovely “OLD” people were resting peacefully in their pretty rooms and my husband was one of the youngest people in the building.. and he was in comparison really really working hard. And so yes I needed to allow myself to feel the feelings of upset and unfairness and processes it through. And Yes that was some BIG emotional work on my part. I was thankful for the few visitors that stopped by with hot coffee and other treats to help me through the day. I was talking with a Nurse that evening and I was talking about how I was happy that his breathing was seeming more regular and she looked and me and said oh Honey that is not breathing that is Gasping and you can’t stay here all night to watch that you need to get home and get some sleep…and so with that new perspective on Bill’s “breathing” I granted myself permission to go home and get some much needed rest and sleep.



Super Bowl Sunday

I made to Bill’s room by 9am. And his condition seemed much the same as the night before. And I was a little surprised to see him doing so well??? I was wondering what’s the point God? I think he has done all the work he was supposed to do so what is the purpose of his spirit still being in body? And yet…all I can do is accept the fact that he is still here and do my best to keep him comfortable. And the nurses and hospice were so wonderful and making things as comfortable as possible. Again a dear Friend brought me coffee and we walked the halls…and then Pastor Larry Hoffisis came to meet Bill and talk with me after church. I was aware that Pastor Sara was leaving for a much needed vacation and that Pastor Larry would be available if needed and so I truly appreciated that he came by to meet with Bill and I , and share a beautiful story about angels with me as well as having a beautiful prayer for Bill. It’s a curious thing to meeting someone for the first time knowing that our meeting is only due to Bill’s soon to be passing. Curious and I am thankful for the compassion and grace that Pastor Hoffiss brought to the day. And now I’m wanting to recall when the Bellbrook Marching Band Family came by to drop off a basket of goodies? What I do recall is that I am thankful for that because the days would get long waiting with Bill and I did not want to leave and it was so great to have an apple and a few salty sweet snacks to make it through the day… especially for the SUPER BOWL.

Okay and so it’s the super bowl. And Its Bill’s hometown team playing. GOOOOO Stealers!!! And..I watched the whole thing with him… now.. often I watch the game and do a little this and a little that ..but this game… I watched the whole thing…and on top of that… I held Bill’s hand the entire game! The Big news there is that Bill was not much of a hand holder.. he always had things to do and newspapers to read and well plenty of other stuff. And so selfishly… I kept my hand on his the whole game and he could not take his hand away!!! I know. I’m not so sure he appreciated it because I know he liked his space but…God Bless me.. I just could not help myself. Too bad Bill’s team lost the game but I don’t think he minded much. After the game I waited for my friend who was picking up my Mom and Sister from the airport to drop them off to see Bill and then head home. My Goodness did it feel good to have my mom and sister in town, They got in to see Bill around midnight? And I was happy they were able to see him. And Happy that my mommy was here to help with laundry. We all kissed Bill goodnight and were headed home by 1 am.



Monday

Was a later start to the day.. I don’t think my sister and I got to Bill until after 10 in the morning and was so happy to see the hospice Chaplain reading to Bill from 1st or was it 2nd Timothy with his well worn leather Bible…so even though I was feeling poorly that I was late getting to Bill,there was someone with a kind voice and a good word to keep Bill company. Oh my goodness I was so touched to feel this kindness and support from such a beautiful man at hospice. Wow it is amazing how little things can have such a deep impact on you. And that my goodness was a beautiful moment for sure.

My sister stayed for a while and then I sent her off to do a few errands for me. I had a feeling that I just needed to get a lot of daisies in the room to help Bill when it was his time to transition fully from earth realm to heaven. And so with a Garmin in hand my sister was off to get those things. Again thankful to a friend who brought coffee and treats and a bit of company to help pass the day.



Oh yes one more thing… during my meditation time I asked God why is Bill still here? And I heard/had a knowing back that Bill had decided to stay in physical form for a few more days because he wanted to do extra credit! Now for those of you who know…. Bill… that fits him to a “T” and so once I had that knowing that all of this “breathing” was not in vain and not without purpose I had more peace unto myself as I stayed with Bill. More time was spent looking out the window at the ducks and geese do what they do and it was a gentle way to pass the time. TV often just seemed to abrupt to me in contrast to what was unfolding before me in the room.



I could tell many people were praying for me and my family because we were all doing so much better than anyone would hope for. I want to thank you for all of your love and support.

Later in the day my sister arrived with Lots and lots of daisies and a few others mixed in.. you know the bunches at the grocery store… and..you know… side story… there is my brother helping my sister at the check out..and of course the clerk is thinking…wow my brother has a girlfriend and how lucky is she to get so many flowers…and hum??? That’s just not the story… ah you know just real and awkward at the same time…

Back to the flowers and many vases. We put them here there and everywhere. It was just wonderful. And beautiful how the flowers just lifted the energy of the room. And I could tell that they did just that very thing… helping the room be even more peaceful, easy and fresh. After the arranging was complete. I decided to go home for dinner…



I returned later that evening with my mom, who is also a massage therapist, and so she was able to give Bill a foot rub and provide a little extra grandmamommy love. After that I felt lead to do Reiki for Bill.

Some people know Reiki as… healing touch… or the practice of the laying on of hands… Anyway I have been practicing Reiki for many years and it has become a very natural thing for me. And so the beautiful and curious think about this Reiki experience was that it was completely off the body… almost 3 feet off the body…normally I work within an inch or directly on the body and so that was a very curious experience. And after that… I felt it would be of benefit to play my singing blow over Bill as well…and so I did…and the sound was lovely. And then .. it felt as if it was time for my mom and I to leave… I was getting ready to go over and gave Bill a kiss goodnite/perhaps goodbye for now….and I could tell that … I was not supposed to do that…and so… that was a difficult moment for me to be obedient to my inner guidance and not leave without a kiss…and yet… the one thing about inner guidance..it is always for the best and highest good for one to abide in the wisdom that is given. And with that I wished Bill goodnight with my mom …from the doorway and left the room. I went to the nurses station to confirm that the night nurse had my home and cell phone nearby… and we talked about if she thought it might be soon… and she said she thought he looked about the same..and then there was a silly conversation brought about by me about how passing over is a private thing…sort of like pooping..and some people just prefer to pass when no one is around. I was thankful that my mom was with me on the ride home that night.



It was around 3 am and I heard the home phone ring.. I did not pick up and so I needed to call hospice back…and when I got Bill’s nurse she said that his breathing pattern had shifted and that it might be good to come in if I wanted to. And so I just threw on some clothes ran a brush through my hair..toothbrush? I can’t remember and got to hospice just before 4 am. Tuesday. And yes the breathing pattern had changed more easy? And not as deep. And so I checked in with myself and it felt like it was okay to touch Bill and so .. I gave him a kiss hello and held that hand of his. And as I was there in the chair…something told me to lean over and listen to his heart..and so I did… and my goodness… it sounded STRONG and FAST… like a train…racing down the tracks!!! And then I thought wow…his heart sounds strong… I did not need to rush in.. I did not need to be a bedhead…and I should have gotten a cup of coffee because I think I could be here all day!. Crazy/Silly to think such things right? And yet…that is what raced through my head.. And so more time passed and the room became more peaceful and more full…full of that I’m in a holy place peaceful feeling…and something told me to lean over and listen to Bill’s heart beat…and you know what? It was so different… it sounded like a normal person’s heartbeat…now that was a new something to hear because his heart had been running fast ever since the cancer came back.. high was his new normal..and this heartbeat …this heartbeat was regular…oh…oh..okay something was unfolding right before my eyes or should I say ears…that was around 5:30 am a normal heartbeat.



After that a nurse brought me a cup of coffee and I continued to hold Bill’s hand and… tell him that I loved him…and watch and wait…watch and wait….

And time passes all the while it seems like it is standing still…

And I had that feeling lean in put your ear to his chest.. and listen to his heart beat..

And it was so faint.. I could hear.. da da…. Da….???? I move my head around where did it go?

I looked up and realized Bill was no longer Breathing… he was STILL…. Oh my goodness it was so peaceful, it was so sweet, it was so still… I think… I think he just crossed over to heaven??? Just then the nighttime nurse checked in before she went home…and she said.. I’ll get the new nurse for you… that took about 10 min for the new nurse to come down to the room and confirm..that there was no heartbeat…and then…with grace and ease.. oxygen from the wall is turned off… the head rest on the bed is lowered just so…. pillows are fluffed and Bill’s head was gently shifted…arms are folded…and..Bill’s body is still…. And I can tell… that HE is not in his body at all. So still so peaceful such a beautiful thing to be allowed to witness the passing of spirit.. oh so beautiful…

And so with that the new nurse leaves… I think she is going to call the funeral home so the next part of Bill’s body’s journey can begin…I make a few phone calls…to let family know… and I wait… all the while…the full holy feeling of the room drifts away..and it becomes more like an everyday room…and the more I watch the body that used to be Bill… the more dead it becomes… and I’m wondering what is taking so long? The funeral home is not that far away from here? And then I find the nurse and she tells me that she has not called them yet…she thought I needed more time with Bill’s body? And that just seemed so odd to me…because I could tell… he just simply was no longer there!... and I was ready to go home.

And so more waiting and waiting. And the more I wait…the more dead Bill’s body become’s… so there is a difference between.. 2 minutes dead…and 20 min dead… and an hour dead…all so different.



And then the kind man came to transport Bill to the funeral home. Again done with such kindness and respect… and how strange.. because I watched him take Bill’s body down the hallway I thought.. wow… my job of watching over Bill is complete?...

I packed up the flowers loaded the car…and went home… and on my way home…at the red light… you know who was in the other lane yup … it was that kind man with Bill’s body in the back…and we drove back to bellbrook together…sort of...

I got home… I slept…and then my sister and I that afternoon went and made the arrangements. Somehow we both just knew what the right choices were for Bill and we had a pretty good feeling about the plans as we made decision after decision. Even when it came to the flowers..I just knew that tiger lillys were something he always enjoyed seeing and so there was that inner yes when we saw that was a choice.



The other thing about this planning a viewing and a funeral… is in a weird way it felt like planning a sweet sixteen party and not knowing who is even going to show up? Weird right? Like it just felt like a lot of expense and I hope somebody will be there…



After that I went home and slept some more.



Wed?

The next day I met with Pastor Larry Hoffiss to plan the service, sleep and to cry… I listened to a beautiful native American cd…I have had it in my collection for years…and this time as I listened to it…

I could feel the deep cry…reach into my heart…and pull out my sadness and my pain.. and each time I listened to the deep cry… I needed to cry less and less. And so with that additional support I was able to process the deep deep sadness in a powerful and profound way.



Another day passes? Family and Friends arrive… I sleep and sleep some more… My mother she is still doing laundry.



Thursday

The day of the viewing. More and more sleeping and that feeling and the wondering …what is a viewing? I have only been to a few in my life and most of those experiences were when I was very young and so I just was not sure what to expect at this gathering for my husband Bill. As we arrived to the funeral home it was nice to see that Bill’s family had arrived safe and sound. Then the kids and I made our way to the viewing room… and Oh my Goodness… I was overwhelmed by how much love was in that room how full of flowers that room was… the vibration was of love, support and genuine kindness…

I wish I could put into words the feeling of love and relief that I felt all at the same time. Thank you Thank You Thank You all of the flowers brought so much support to me and my family at this time… it was a sight to behold. Thank YOU.

And before I knew it… people who know and love Bill started to arrive! And so that feeling of who is going to show up to this party…went away…and a feeling of being so loved and cared for entered in.

Before I knew it there was a line of kind eyes, thoughtful words , genuine hearts, caring loving community. Dear Girlfriends from as far as Reno and Minneapolis were in line!?!

And the Community of co workers from General Dynamics as well as other contractors… I was truly healed by your thoughtfulness and kind words about Bill. He loved loved loved to work and I did not know that work loved him back so much. From the center of my heart I want to thank everyone in Bill’s professional life who took the time to show our family such kindness. I will always remember that.



Before the viewing I just did not get what it was all about and after the viewing… I got it… I felt love, I felt support,.. and I did not feel alone.



I got home and felt so good.. it took me awhile to fall a sleep..





Friday

The day of the service.

I am so thankful that so many people were able to make it to the service. I just loved how wonderful everyone sounded as the family and friends came together to celebrate Bill and is life and his amazing journey.



Thank You for your Prayers… I could feel them… Thank You for the love, support and kindness. It is what has made the difference for this family as we continue to process and move forward into whatever it is that God has planned for us.



Many have had little winks from Bill in heaven. For me it is that song “My Eye is on the Sparrow”.. one of the lines goes.. I sing because I’m happy I sing because I’m free my eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me. I have seen little bird feeders with that verse on it and then a beautiful email story just the next day about that song. And so I know that Bill is now happy and free.

Another one of my support people Jessica, a gifted reader, said she knew the day Bill passed because she saw him in her car just sitting there and she could smell this smell…and then she described it… like a melon smell…then again like a lip smacker smell… and then …remember.. the melon shea butter I was putting on Bill’s lips… I asked her to smell it…and yup that was the smell. Just a little way for Bill to let me know he crossed over and was well…



Another friend Greggory Sanderson, who is a gifted Christian psychic, let me know that Bill was doing well and that he is around often…. He gave me many examples and it brought me great comfort to know that Bill is around… one of the most touching examples is this..Greggory asked me…what did you do differently with the dog dish? He’s telling me you did something with the water bowl…and you know what… before Bill was sick he would always put a fresh bowl of water out for Coco before bed in the master bathroom. Well… I had forgotten all about that with the oxygen and medication..and she had a water bowl in the kitchen…anyway I finally cleared out the medical stuff from the bathroom and found the dogs water dish… and so of course.. I filled it up! The night before I went to see Greggory. So even for the little events Bill is around…just he is spirit now.. its just about getting used to the newer version. It is a comfort to know Bill is in heaven as well as around for day to day activities. There is a lot of paperwork to do when someone passes. I wanted it to be complete by May or June however it looks like paperwork will take up to a year?



I want to thank everyone who has said a prayer for Bill and our family. Thank you to everyone who brought food, provided transportation, and delivered coffee and wine. It has been an amazing journey indeed. And the Kids and I are doing so well because of all of the love, support and kindness you have shown.



Thank You

I love YOU.



May the Peace that Passes all Understanding be with you now and forever.





P.S. If anyone has had any dreams with Bill or funny unfoldings I would love to hear them.

Joy Richard

bubbajr0902@msn.com



Also if anyone would like make appointments with my friends here is their contact information:

Gregory Sanderson

contact@gregorysanderson.com or call 937-667-7805



Jessica 937-608-8097 or jgreadings@yahoo.com