January 20, 2011

Dear Family and Friends,

Bill is home and resting well. Much has happened from our last blog entry and I will do my best to tell you how we are all doing and how things are unfolding.


On Friday I took Bill to Columbus to meet with Dr. Blum about a possible medical trial that he may be eligible for. Due to Bill’s breathing challenges he allowed me to get a wheel chair as we navigated another new hospital’s corridors and elevators. In typical Bill fashion we were about an hour or more early and that made for an easy feeling as we filled out paperwork and billing information.


A Dr met with us early, talking with Bill going over the now long medical history; looking and thumping as Dr’s often do with Bill and the overall feeling of the room was good and as with many experts thinking that Bill looked okay all things considered. And then the Dr left to go meet with the lead Dr. Blum of the clinical trial and look at the most recent PET together.


Upon their return the mood was much more intense. After learning about the medical trial Bill decided to think about it over the weekend. After all it was late on Friday afternoon of a three day weekend. No one was going to be at their desk to process paperwork anyway.


As the weekend unfolded Bill continued to experience difficulty breathing however any mention of going to the ER was not welcomed. He just wanted to wait for his 8 am echo cardiogram on Tuesday and go from there. And so I wheeled him to his appt at 8 am Tuesday and that was easy. Then we went downstairs to talk to the Cancer Care Coordinator about the insurance for the trial and to see what would need to be done to get that started and by the way… is there anything we can do because Bill is working pretty hard at breathing???… with that, one of Bill's cancer Dr's...Dr. Cutler came in to the office to give a listen and ordered an x-ray for his chest. The x-ray was complete and then back to Dr. Cutler for review. Of course Bill and I are thinking darn … you are probably going to be stuck with a Big needle to have more fluid drained today.. oh well at least your breathing with improve..


As Dr. Cutler looked at the x ray he called the pulmonologist Dr. Bishop and together they decided that it would be best for Bill to have a CAT scan to determine what was going on with his right lung.


And so Bill was given a large bottle of contrast to drink and then in two hours he would be ready for the CAT scan. Even though it was a very busy day in the imaging department he was able to get in for a scan with very little wait time.


The good news for Bill was that he was able to have oxygen during the scan and his color and disposition was so much better after the scan. So I was pleased that he had that extra support. Once the CAT scan was complete we went to see the lung specialist Dr. Bishop whom Bill has meet with before.


It was good to have a familiar face meet with us. Dr. Bishop did not waste any time in pulling up the CAT scan for Bill and I to review. There was no fluid to remove from Bill’s right lung…the cancer had taken over 90% of his right lung. No wonder he has been working so hard to catch his breath.. Oh my goodness!!!


After we had a few moments to take in the shocking information it was time to see the best option to provide comfort care for Bill; In other words, the best way to get oxygen in the home for Bill. Bill took the oxygen test walk around the hallway so Dr. Bishop could have numbers for the form. And then discussion turned to perhaps hospice is the best care avenue to go for Bill. More talking and deciding and knowing if things turned around with the trial Bill could be taken off hospice care with ease. Within an hour of our arrival home a Hospice admin person was at our door and in another hour Bill was hooked up to an at home oxygen compressor and I was given a script to have Bill receive some medication to relax him so he would be able to breathe with ease and hopefully rest more deeply as well.


All were great improvements from the effort Bill was exerting over the weekend. Bill was so happy to have oxygen that he did not want to move from the living room that night and so he rested deeply on the couch that night and was ready to meet with more hospice folks on Wednesday - good thing too because I needed to take Bridget to have her leg x-rayed on Wednesday to see if she was able to get out of the leg brace. Good news for Bridget she was given permission to go without her brace and to move on to physical therapy to see if she can get back out on the ice.


Anyway it was perfect timing because Bridget was able to meet the kind hospice social worker and have a small introduction to the kind of support that is available to kids during this challenging time of great change.


It was later in the day that I got Bill upstairs for a bath and more rest in his bed. When I got Bill upstairs he told me that Dr. Wood had called while I was away and wanted Bill to know that they had tried every option that was medically available at this time and that it was most understandable and reasonable for Bill to chose hospice care at this time. Words fall short to express the thankfulness I have to the entire medical community at WPAFB as well as many other hospitals.


Bill slept well in his own bed on Wednesday night and is coming to peace with the fact that there is no more treatment or cure for him. Actually there is a relief to be able to breathe and to rest because there was so much effort involved in just breathing over the 3 day weekend.


As a family I think we are shocked at how this slow slow process of treating curing treating treating treating managing..cancer has now just blip turned…


For me the emotions of deep sadness wash over me much like a wave.. and so I do my best to process them on the spot… breathing in feeling the feeling and then exhaling…. Sometimes I forget to breathe out.. and that’s when the feeling becomes so intense…so I just keep breathing and keep weeping …and then… the wave passes. I have honored that energy of emotion for that moment…and then..I need to go to the store because we have run out of toilet paper and a snow storm is on the way… so curious this thing of transition… I love my Husband Bill beyond words and I would love for him to stay and be well however after watching him endure treatment after treatment of chemo after chemo without stopping the growth of the cancer and after watching him struggle for breath all weekend I can only pray for his best and highest good to unfold. And Dear Friends and Family it appears as if it is for him to transition to heaven. I know that it is a wonderful wonderful place, and I know that his spirit will be able to visit with me and the children…and yet I weep because I will miss having his spirit in his body.


And so the next part of Bill’s Amazing Adventure Continues… Please pray that we all have the strength to feel our feelings of love, appreciation, sadness and sorrow…and that we are able to breathe through the feelings in whatever way is right for each one of us. From the Center of my heart I thank you.


Peace and Blessings to All.
Joy
bubbajr0902@msn